If I hate myself often life hates me back often...
If I do not respect myself then life does not respect me.
Thoughts around the net:
you made a choice and you have to realize these substances are extremely powerful. You chose to take a trip and should have "gave in" to the trip
Let go. Your ego wanted everything to be normal and was fighting the death of itself. Once your ego dies only conciousness is left and that's where the awsome power of psychedelics are shown. Learn to let go of all attachments to everything.
The reasons trips are bad and have a lasting impact on someone is because it hit home for whatever reason. Usually past life experiences are dissected and presented in a different way while we are in a vulnerable state of mind to face them. It can be a bit too much and emotions are intense, while your mind might be spilling out of itself... It's bad for some reason. If your trip was just nothing but somehow bad, then maybe you have no intention with using the mushrooms and they kicked your ass because you didn't come for anything.
If you have good intention and reason to be there, then your trip must have been about something. If you don't like the effects of mushrooms and you don't want to go deep, then don't do them?
But see the thing with bad trips, is when the trip takes full control of you, you lose even the power to let go. I am tripping on cactus right now and during the peak, I had some very difficult periods. I was aware that I was resisting the trip, but I had no ability to let go because the cactus was in total control of my mind, deconstructing my ego structures at the rate which it pleased and showing me what IT wanted to show me. There was not a whole lot I could do.
I think the best thing to do, is to try interpret the experience in a positive way no matter what it is. When I was able, I kept that in mind and it helped through some of the more difficult experiences. I just told myself the cactus was my medicine and I had to let it do what it wanted to do to heal me, rather than try to make the experience go how I wanted it to go.
If you're just looking to feel buzzy or "different" It's probably much better to just stay in the lower dose range. That range is where it's controllable.
At higher doses, things get intense. Sometimes people just want it to stop, because they feel like they weren't ready for the trip or it just becomes too intense.
If you're not looking to delve into your mind and nearly go insane, stick to lower doses. There isn't such a thing as a bad trip, but just one that you can escalate yourself. I mean if you felt scared, tripping could just amplify that and you keep building up the belief that you are scared.
If you're feeling guilty, then that's what it's trying to show you. A lot of the time people run away from their problems or from the things they don't like about themselves.
Psychedelics will force you to face your problems and more importantly, yourself.
It's one of the reasons some people just stop doing psychedelics or get scared after one try. They come to the realization that they need to change something or that something is the problem. They then blame the mushrooms or the lsd. Sometimes people need to get their ass kicked to realize that they need to change.
-Know your limits, don't try to "go big or go home". Start small & work your way up if you choose to do so.
-Always have the right set & setting. I think if I was in a different setting my trip wouldn't have gone so bad. ----Maybe your trip would have went differently too if you were somewhere else.
The idea about "giving in to the trip" is that at high doses you can push yourself into this kind of panic by trying too hard to anchor yourself to reality...you are better off trying to accept that the trip is going to take you "out of your mind" for a short while. Sometimes you have to let yourself "drown" within the trip, give in to it, see where it takes you. It can be a short journey from "I can't stand the intensity!" to "fucking hell this is amazing!".
I always say, if the trip is still bad, you haven't learnt your lesson yet.
Some might learn the lesson during the trip and turn it around from bad to healing.
Some might learn the lesson shortly after. Others months later. Some may never learn.
Why did your brain break?
Not everyone's brain breaks on mushrooms yet yours did..? Why? Why? Why?
I felt completely broken on mushrooms once. I was depressed at the time and during this depressive episode I lost the ability to put my feelings in perspective. I felt like I was in a complete state of despair. Then the mushrooms came along and showed me what real despair and being utterly broken was like. I drew the conclusion that I needed to see this ultimate despair that the mushrooms brought on so that in my sober life, no matter how depressed I got, I could always see that it could still be worse. It ended up giving me that little bit of perspective that I needed. That little bit of optimism that I needed to hang in there and get well...
I didn't go deep at all, not even a visual or auditory distortion, but every cell in my body screamed for the journey to stop. It was not panic or freaking out, but more like my being was saying loud and clear that this is not my way. Whether my psyche has changed or my "spirit" is telling me to return to the yogic path, I do not know.
I am not saddened or disappointed. Perhaps it is middle-age or just the dropping away of something no longer useful to me. I just know that this particular door has been closed gently, but firmly.
You say "every cell screamed". Scientifically cells have no vocal chords and therefore cannot scream.